Why virgin partners are preferred for ' legal ' alliances ?

We , as a society , have developed alot . Breaking the traditional norms , questioning them , setting up new parameters and standards of living and spending our lives , new education reforms , new freedom of making choices . Everything which is a rebellious act by us , from the perspective of our previous generation , starts with the questioning on the existing systems and having found no satisfactory answer , leads to breaking of those traditions and adopting the new one . This chain continues and a new trend or pattern comes into existence .

Our elders or seniors are always a help whenever we seek some guidance on anything , may be any failure or career or before making any purchase of any goods or services .

In a country like India where merely a “relationship” is considered as a serious ‘commitment’ amongst the youth , we can understand how important a marriage would be . Today , I am writing about the real reasons , according to my experience , as to why we are asked to have virgin partners for a legal alliance .

In India , mostly , arranged marriage is preferred . But offcourse the scenario has changed a little where parents and society have tried understanding , accepting and respecting the choices of two individuals . In general , whenever a boy or a girl tries to confess their dating status or revealing their desire to marry someone , may be out of their caste or community , I can bet that instead of asking their qualities , parents/elders would try convincing that this marriage would have a lot of adjustment issues and differences in culture would lead to social degradation of their image and other stupid reasons . And these reasons fails to satisfy us , as to what is the problem in having a partner of one’s own choice .

Not only marriage , I personally feel that youth today is not benefited at their fullest , from their elder’s experience , as they would have been . So they end up making their own choices . Few have a happy outcome and few making a ‘rebel’ choice end up being an example and then they would carry the burden of being toxic throughout their life , however they might not always pop up , but they end up being that class of elder who still doesn’t have the art of guiding and will force themselves on others , in terms of making choices in career , living standards or choosing a partner .

The chain continues .

I , as a girl , grew up listening that any sort of alliance before marriage would lead to miseries , after marriage . However , earlier I interpreted that the message was same for both , a boy and a girl , “ No affair before marriage ..” but gradually I understood that boys and their families (the selectors) prefer virgin girls (the acceptors) .

When I attained the age of marriage , I understood that I had to be selected by someone . It was not me who will be making choices and seeking boy’s details but I will be the one who would fit into someone’s set standards . I would often hear ladies asking me to be like potato , which can be cooked with any other vegetable , be it pumpkin or brinjal or even chicken . I was always confused with what I can do to have a good married life . In lack of proper guidance on what a good marriage should be like , I decided to find a boy of my choice , irrespective of his caste , profession or social status . I decided to focus on finding a man , with whom I would have a family with . I would find a man , whom I can admire , respect and love . A man who would be the source of motivation for attaining knowledge and bringing the best version of me . Together we can raise a family and fight all odds .

I started dating a guy , out of my community . He was like my father , always protective and a man of words . He promised me that he would marry me , so I can open up . And since I found him very promising , I accepted his “alliance” . Like any normal couple , I concealed his presence in my life , from my parents and we both were focused on our career . Days went by , and since I was preparing my CA finals and he being employed in a different city , we happen to always have a long distance relationship . However after a certain time , the boy backed out because his parents were successful in convincing him that an intercaste marriage would have a lot of problems . And like any other story , I ended up being single . I am not so thankful to the parents who successfully convinced their child not to have marriage of his choice because it would have impacts on many people of their next generation !

If you have been on this page till now , I thankyou for maintaining patience , because I feel that I might have confused you for not finding any relevance with the topic name and the matter inside it , but I am on the right track . Cheers to me , for understanding exactly what and why my elders said about having a virgin partner and where they have failed as a guidance to me , to their youngers .

• I was said not to have any affairs which meant that any sort of attachment with any boy was wrong , before marriage . Which I would have accepted if I was helped out with a proper reason .
• Instead of quoting absurd reasons like casteism ,earnings or family background , they could have helped with a real reason .

Starting with someone new , after a failed relationship , is not so pure . It comes up with a lot of acceptance issues because till then , we plan a life ahead . How can someone buy gravy for cottage cheese recipe and end up preparing a chicken dish ! Offcourse , we can feed ourselves , but that would just be a survival and not something a human would need of !

Talking of my experience , I also had planned my whole life but it didn’t went the way I had . So what issues I am dealing with ?

I am dealing with loving someone again, with the same intensity and same innocence . A feeling like love shouldn’t be a planned one , so I feel incompetent many times to start loving again .

I am dealing with trusting myself on planning again with the same happiness as it haunts me of breaking again in “his” absence .

I am dealing with my career choices which I made and worked upon till date according to “our” future requirements .

All these issues , above all , you are unable to discuss this with a new man . It is way more traumatising because this may ruin my current partner’s trust and afterall he must not be the victim to the consequences of my wrong or failed decisions .

So , dearest readers , before starting anything , DO NOT rush . It is not about sex , it is about a feeling which never remains the same with the second one . It is about the reason , which would never be the same for falling in love , with the second one . It is about the whole process , which would not be as pure as it was for the first one . And to those , who know that they would end up backing out , do not make fake promises , as you may not be aware of the magnitude of damage done to the whole humanity .

Suppose , any alliance ends up on grounds of either one cheating , leads to embedded thought that partners cheat . The cheated one is likely to keep on doubting their current partners , then it becomes his habit and then a legacy for the next generation .

Let’s resolute to be a proper guide and not pass on the toxicity to our loved ones !